I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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