she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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