Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Randomize
