my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize