Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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