Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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