Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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