Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
