Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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