recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
