you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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