You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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