playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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