on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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