its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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