He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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