Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
