i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
