we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
