I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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