I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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