So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
