Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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