Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
