just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
