he told me I talked like a deaf person
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
