i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
