Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
