I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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