Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
