My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we should paint friendship bongs
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
