please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
