Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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