my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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