: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
