I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
