i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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