I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you win again, gameday.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
