I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
