I haven't been this sober since birth.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize