On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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