You just made me feel so damn special
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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