you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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