You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
