things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am one with the molecules
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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