Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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