were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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