So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
