If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
