Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
