he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
