My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
