Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
