hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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