His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
vagina is talking i cant
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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