and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
