i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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