Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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