Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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