She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
