upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
