those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
