Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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