I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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