I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
