I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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