She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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