you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
