We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize