how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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